Carmela can usually be found in her kitchen in workout gear with great hair, like a Cluedo character. She doesn't really seem to ever eat or work out, though. My attractive assistant, illustrator and housemate says this is because Carmela has the Armani gene. The Armani gene allows Carmela to consume nothing but gelato and grenache and still be healthy. I make the point because I recently remembered that Show me your Swagger is meant to be a lifestyle blog and I was going to write about how to look like you have the Armani gene, but I realised I myself only have the Target Free Fusion gene and nobody really wants that. Besides, if you're reading this you're probably already quite attractive. We only let attractive people read our blog.
Maybe I'm selling myself short. Maybe I'm a little more stylish than the TFF gene. Maybe it's more like the Stella McCartney gene, but without the fierce ponytail thing she does. I think Stella is nice looking but that hairstyle makes her look like a happy-drunk albino dolphin.
I still haven't escaped the fact that I promised you a lifestyle blog and I'm not really delivering, so I looked at Gweneth Paltrow's website Goop for an idea. The website is minimalist yet expensive-looking, like an offcut of bamboo wrapped in hand-printed typing paper. It's the kind of site that would advise you to do six hours of yoga while wearing an inexplicably expensive home-made face mask. I found a newsletter on the website called 'How to do your own makeup for a day and night'. Having to do my own make up has never been a problem for me so I thought I'd be qualified to write a better version of her article which I didn't read. On the other hand it's 35 degrees outside and my face dripping off into my coffee and I feel like I sort of failed at showing up Goop because I'm not seated at a sanded-back white 1950s era writing desk in front of sweeping ocean views and wearing loafers while my retired yet beloved Portugese au pair brews iced tea in the breakfast nook. I'm pretty good at other things though. I can wear leggings as pants even though I have switched to short shorts for the summer. If you would like advice on this please email me at showmeyourswagger@gmail.com.
